Toy Assembly Instructions.

Congratulations! You've just bought a large overly plastick-y toy for your child! We know that you pride yourself on only feeding your child organic food, only dressing them in organic cotton and striving to only buy wooden toys made in Western Europe but let's face it, you can only do that for so long. Educational toys? Once toddlerhood hits that's out the window. Now let's get down to the real work-- assembly!

Did you think that after actually making a child from scratch you would be done with building things for a while? Ha! That was only the beginning. Yes, that's right, we've employed people at slave wages in a far off country to put together roughly 1/4of this particular toy. The rest is up to you. We know you're up to the challenge! As a starter, we've enclosed most of the screws that you will need. Please note, however, that we have not actually threaded any of the openings through which those screws are supposed to be screwed into. That part? It's up to you. (Noting, that to make this endeavor that much more exciting for you, we have enclosed screws that don't have pointy ends). As an added mental and physical challenge the depth through which said screws are to be placed will vary based on the location of the screw so if you start assembling this product with a short screwdriver you will be, in a word, screwed. You'll need a long thin screwdriver (noting that you'll probably have less torque with said screwdriver making it even more difficult to install previously described blunt screws). You can thank us later!

Also note that when building this toy we suggest that you attempt to break it, as that is really the only true test of seeing whether you have built it properly to withstand the force that is a toddler. Door-knob on little house door? We know it's flimsy. Good luck. You spend most of your day as it is trying to keep small household items from becoming choking hazards? Guess what, when your child attempts to rip the door handle off this product, or rip the door off its hinges, the screws? You're right, they will be choking hazards. See, and you thought this item would be providing your child with fun and excitement for months to come? I bet you didn't think that it would continue to occupy your time as well!

Once you've completed assembly don't forget the batteries! We specifically did not note on the outside of the package what kind of batteries you'd be needing because we thought you would appreiciate the surprise. Double AA batteries? Of course not, far too common! Triple AAA batteries? Do you have some of those lying around? Yes? Good, that's not what we're looking for. D batteries? I see you've bought some of those too, no, we don't need D batteries, alas you'll need three C batteries. Just enough to make that four pack of C batteries seem like overkill and one more than you could buy in a two pack. (Editorial note: -- This raises a question-- What about the B battery? Trust me, if we thought there was even a one in a million chance that someone in North America carried B batteries, you'd be driving out to Radio Shack to buy some). Wondering how an iPod can hold 10,000 songs and be as slim as a credit card but it requires Three C batteries to operate a small light bulb, sound effects for a creaking door and three versions of the alphabet song? We wondered that too, but we thought relying on gi-normous batteries would be a nice old school throwback to your own childhood. Fun, no?

Finally, thank you for your purchase and good luck!
You're going to need it.